Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
