Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
