now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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