I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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