I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Quick, to the slutcave!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
