If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
