I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
