please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
