We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
