Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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