The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
