textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
