you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
