I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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