wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Someone shit on the floor
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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