it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
