I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize