I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
