i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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