The maid of honor just puked.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
