Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
