just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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