Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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