Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
