my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
