god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
