Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
