so that wasnt chicken after all
barbara walters just said penis...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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