I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
