So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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