dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
