um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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