I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
