She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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