You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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