I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
