I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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