imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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