Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
