Just fell off a train. Bad.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
