Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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