Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
