how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
