Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
