in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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