I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
