worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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