i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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