Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
