no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm passing your future prison.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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