so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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