my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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