ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
