WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
