wanna go halves on a baby?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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