Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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