Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
